Updated: Dec 15, 2019
Wow! What a busy month of growing, learning, taking risks, and expanding! As the moon wanes down and shows its dark side, I take time to reflect on what transpired during these last 30 days. Most of my activity has been centered around "external business" of teaching yoga and meditation, but, inevitably, it circles back to my "internal development."
In these few short weeks, I've accepted invitations to teach at more locations, designed new workshops, created new projects, took on more private clients, and enrolled in some advanced training. I'm continually learning to use social media in new ways, and I am in the process of developing an online store at the request of my students. As exciting as this sounds to my ego, it's scaring the - - - - out of me. I wake up some mornings wondering why in the world am I starting all of this now? Why not wait 5 more years when all the kids are off to college? Why not play it safe (and small) for a bit longer? My reflecting begs the question, "Is this what I really want?"
Amidst the change, I'm confronted with a choice: hold on to what I know or let go, take the leap, and enter into the new. My practice of yoga and meditation helps me let go of my attachments most of the time. But, now and again, I choose to hold on and merely fool myself into thinking I'm changing. It's a subtle denial that allows me to teeter on the brink of change without having to fully step into and across the gap.
Maybe you recognize it in your life too. Do you keep yourself extremely busy with everyday tasks so you're left with no time or energy to pursue what you really want? Do you submerse in the gossip and lives of others so you don't have to focus on your own needs and desires? Do you accumulate knowledge through piles of books, workshops, and classes; everything that points you towards change but keeps you busy enough not to actually try to change?
Up until 2016, I did all of these things. Every once and awhile I'd show signs of budding into something different but then I'd stop. Fear kept me from blossoming fully. I feared losing the support of my family. I feared abandoning my loved ones. I feared not having enough time. But most of all, I feared my feelings of vulnerability. If I was in the process of following my passion, fear would slyly tap me on the shoulder or whisper in my ear and I'd immediately change my course. I'd quit my project, divert my attention to something else, or rationalize why family, friends, and my health needed more attention than my current path. I'd make myself busy, hoping it would fill the gap and delude me from stepping completely into the next stage of my journey.
When January started, I decided to do a recapitulation meditation (want to know how? Read my Finding the Good in Tax Season Blog) and set an intention. Up until then, I had been teaching students how to jump into the unknown with confidence. Someone very wise told me, "We teach to others what we ourselves need to practice the most." Well, it was time for me to jump.
To do so with confidence meant I had to see my fears and ask how they served me. What would happen if I took the leap? During the next few months, I posed this question over and over, especially during meditation. Throughout my practice, I felt myself shifting but I still didn't take any type of fearless jump until the end of March. That's when I created my website and started blogging. Then I froze. But, instead of running back to old behaviors and hiding, I felt myself floating above this abyss leading me to change. I knew in order to land into the new, I'd have to boldly continue.
So, here I am with half the year finished; moving forward with passionate purpose; excited to see where it takes me. The external framework of my business may change enough for others to notice, but the growth of my internal landscape is far more interesting. I'm learning to trust even more in a Universal Plan. I'm discovering that my growth happens in community and I cannot do it alone. Every confident step forward starts with quiet reflection and then asking for help. Each of you reading this now are part of my supportive community. You remind me to be courageous. You support me when I have questions. You dialogue with me, take classes, and help me try out new ideas. And, in return, I grow with you.
I have no timetable to this growth; no ego-plan; simply a desire to continue making leaps forward into this awesome journey of life. Yes, to answer my own question, this is what I want. I want us ALL to grow, take risks, and expand.
Your turn! Comment below and share your growth. What areas of your life are calling for you to take a leap of faith? What changes need to happen to help you live your most passionate life? Thank you for offering your inspiration! I look forward to reading your input.